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| Taken from: "Can You Relate" by Annie Fox. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||
Contents:
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| I Want A Girlfriend Who… | I Don’t Want A Girlfriend Who… |
| - is available and wants a relationship with me | - has a bad temper |
| - is intelligent | - is into drugs or alcohol |
| - has a good sense of humor | - acts jealous |
| - is friendly | - is conceited |
| - cares about her looks but doesn’t obsess over them | - is a total slob |
7. Turn all of the negatives into positives. Look at your “don’ts” list and start changing the statements to positive “dos”. This encourages you to focus on what you want, not on what you don’t want. For example, you might want to change “I don’t want a boyfriend who’s possessive” to “I want a boyfriend who trusts me”. After you’ve done this, cross out the negative statements. Transfer all your new “dos” to your left-hand column.
8. Get more specific. Review your list to see if any of your wants are vague. If you wrote, “I want a girlfriend who’s nice”, you’re not being specific. What exactly does “nice” mean to you? (Your girlfriend calls you every night? Never breaks dates? Gives you gifts on special occasions?) Be specific if you want results; otherwise it’s kind of like walking into a clothing store and telling the salesperson, “I want a shirt”. Elaborate on your needs and then cross out the vague statements.
9. Prioritize the items on your list. Everything on your list isn’t equally important. Some items rate as “This is a must!” Others are in the “Would be good but not essential” category. For example, if you’d like your bf/gf to be athletic (because you are and want to share that), mark that item “This is a must!” If you think it would be cool to be involved with someone who’s into the same music as you are, mark that item “Would be good but not essential.” After you’ve prioritized your items, get a clean sheet of paper and make two new columns: one for “This is a must!” and the other for “Would be good but not essential.” And while you’re at it, number the items in order of importance. Mark what really matters most to you number 1. The next item of importance is ranked number 2. You get the idea.
10. Review your list. Look it over carefully. Does your list describe anybody you already know?
Before you go out into the world to find a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve got one more list to make. This one is called the “What I Have To Offer” list. Finding a good match involves not only knowing what you want but also what you bring to the relationship.
What I Have To Offer
Seven steps to being the other half of a great couple:
1. Get a pencil and some paper.
2. Fold the paper in half lengthwise. You’ll now have room for two long columns.
3. At the top of the left-hand column, write this heading: “My strengths are…”
4. At the top of the right-hand column, write this heading: “My weaknesses are…”
5. Make the lists. Write your answers on both halves of the paper. Be totally honest because no one will see this but you, unless you want them to.
6. Keep brainstorming. Make the columns as long and as specific as you can, until you finally run out of ideas. After a while, your lists may look like this:
| My Strengths Are… | My Weaknesses Are… |
| - I’m affectionate | - I’m sometimes disorganized |
| - I’m cheerful | - I’m stubborn |
| - I’m smart | - I can be too sensitive |
| - I give good advice | - I get jealous easily |
| - I have good judgement | - I’m late a lot |
7. Review your lists. Have you written all the strengths you can think of? Have you been too hard on yourself in terms of your weaknesses? Adjust your lists, if needed.
If you’ve completed both the “What Matters Most” and the “What I Have To Offer” lists, you’ve raised your level of awareness about what you’re looking for in a bf/gf and what you have to offer in a relationship. That’s a great start!
Defining what you’re looking for doesn’t guarantee that you’ll find a good match right away, but it does take you one step closer. And being clear about what you want and what you have to offer makes it much easier to envision a future relationship, which in turn helps you make things happen.
Remember, it’s smart to stay open to opportunities that come your way. As you get to know someone new, do a quick mental comparison with your list. Do you see any possibilities for a match? When you’re aware of what you’re looking for, you may suddenly meet lots of people who could be a good boyfriend/girlfriend for you. Does this mean there’s some cosmic force at work? Well, it’s more likely that you just have a more open mind. Maybe your lists helped you see that looks are much less important than the way a person treats you, for example. You might even start seeing people you already know in a whole new light!
Keep your lists handy and review them often. Feel free to make changes, too. Cross out or renumber items whenever you want and add new items as they come to you. If you find someone who has some of the important qualities on your list, get to know this person. But remember that no one’s perfect. The best thing two people can do for each other is to acknowledge their strengths and help each other work on their weaknesses. This is how people and relationships grow.
Is It Love?
"You can tell that it's infatuation when you think that he's as sexy as Paul Newman, as athletic as Pete Rose, as selfless and dedicated as Ralph Nader, as smart as John Kenneth Galbraith and as funny as Don Rickles. You can be reasonably sure that it's love when you realize he's actually about as sexy as Don Rickles, as athletic as Ralph Nader, as smart as Pete Rose, as funny as John Kenneth Galbraith and doesn't resemble Paul Newman in any way--but you'll stick with him anyway." -Judith Viorst
(1) Do I treat the other person as a person or a thing?
If you go out with him/her because he/she is good looking (a "prize" to be with) or a way out (a ticket to the movies), that isn't love.
(2) Would you chose to spend the evening alone with him/her if there were no kissing, no touching, and no sex?
If not, it isn't love.
(3) Are the two of you at ease and as happy alone as you are with friends?
If you need other friends around to have a good time, it isn't love.
(4) Do you get along?
If you fight and make up a lot, get hurt and jealous, tease and criticize one another, better be careful, it may not be love.
(5) Are you still interested in dating or secretly "messing around" with others?
If so, you aren't in love.
(6) Can you be totally honest and open?
If either or both of you are selfish, insincere, feel confined, or unable to express feelings, be cautious.
(7) Are you realistic?
You should be able to admit possible future problems. If others (besides a parent) offend you by saying they are surprised you are still together, that you two seem so different, that they have doubts about your choice, better take a good look at this relationship.
(8) Is either of you much more of a taker than a giver?
If so, no matter how well you like that situation now, it may not last.
(9) Do you think of the partner as being a part of your whole life?
If so, and these dreams seem good, that is an indication of love.
Building Healthy Relationships
1. Honesty
2. Respect
3. Trust
4. Communication
If You Need To Stop A Relationship, don’t:
1. Lie about why you’re doing it
2. Let someone else break the news
3. Stop talking to your bf/gf
4. Do something to trigger a break-up, like cheating or being abusive
5. Exaggerate the problems in the relationship to the point where you’ve convinced yourself that your bf/gf is so awful that you can’t figure out why the two of you ever got together in the first place.
Getting Over A Broken Heart
1. Talk to your ex in person
2. Write a letter to your ex
3. Write a letter from your ex to yourself
4. Seal both letters in an envelope marked, “Don’t open till…”
Resolving Conflicts Peacefully
People often experience uncomfortable feelings just because there is conflict. They may be hesitant to talk about what’s bothering them, fearing that doing so will jeopardize the relationship. It’s important to remember that any relationship worth having needs open communication as a main ingredient. So even though it may be uncomfortable to talk about your feelings, you’ve got to do it anyway. When you open up and tell another person how you feel, you’re making the relationship stronger and healthier. You’re also doing being brave enough to speak the truth, which makes you feel good about yourself and makes you a positive role model for your friends.
Not everyone has trouble opening up when something’s bothering them. In fact, they may be quite vocal about their feelings! If you’re the kind of person who tends to yell or vent whenever a conflict arises, you can work on keeping your emotions in check and communicating more effectively. This will make it much easier for you (and everyone else involved) to deal with issues that arise.
Below is a plan for handling conflicts and the emotions they stir up. No matter what your style is when it comes to reacting to a conflict, you can use this plan. It’s specially designed to work as both a step-by-step guide and a problem-solving tool. Here’s how it works: you can focus on a specific communication problem and then read through its corresponding conflict-resolution step and try it out. Or, if you prefer, you can read the whole plan from start to finish. Either way, it might be a good idea to share this with the people close to you so you can all get better at resolving conflicts in peaceful ways.
A Conflict-Resolution Plan
Problem: You’re feeling too emotional to talk about the situation rationally.
How to handle it: Cool off before trying to resolve anything (step #1 tells you how).
Step #1: Calm down. It’s very difficult to work out a conflict when you’re really angry or upset. If you feel less-than-friendly toward the other person, spend some time by yourself before saying anything. Cool off, so you’ll be able to think more clearly. It may help to do a breathing exercise. Here’s how:
• Close your eyes.
• Take several deep breaths, inhaling slowly through your nose and exhaling through your mouth.
• Concentrate on your breath as it enters and leaves your body.
• Repeat this exercise for a few minutes or until you feel calmer.
Are you ready to talk now? If not, take some more slow deep breaths and think about the word “relax”. If you’re still too upset to talk, go outdoors and do something physical. Take a walk or run, swim, bike, do push-ups – anything that will get your body in motion. Exerting yourself physically redirects your energy in a positive way. If you can’t get outside, find a quiet room and spend some time by yourself. Or put on headphones and listen to music. Draw, write, or do whatever else to help you calm down.
Problem: Everybody’s yelling.
How to handle it: Take turns calmly talking about your feelings (step #2 tells you how).
Step #2: Talk to each other using “I messages” instead of “You messages”. Listen to the difference between the sets of statements that follow:
• “You make me so mad.”
• “You always do this, and it’s so unfair.”
• “You are impossible to talk to! You never listen!”
Such statements sound harsh and can make people feel as if they’re under attack. Why? Because these are verbal attacks! “I messages”, on the other hand, don’t put the other person on the defensive:
• “I feel upset when you yell at me.”
• “I’m concerned about this situation, and I’d like to find a way to work it out.”
• “I’d like to make things right between us.”
By focusing on “I” and on feelings, no one gets blamed or gets defensive. Even when the person talking says something that you believe is untrue, don’t cut him/her off. A person’s feelings, no matter what they are, are valid and deserve to be heard. As hard at it might be to sit still and keep quiet, remember that everyone in the conversation is entitled to speak without interruptions.
Problem: Nobody’s listening.
How to handle it: Take turns hearing each other’s point of view (step #3 tells you how).
Step #3: Listen Effectively. Start by letting the other person speak first and explain what happened from hi/her point of view. Listen with an open mind and an open heart. Don’t interrupt, question, judge, or plan what you’re going to say next. Just listen.
When it’s your turn to talk, explain what happened from your point of view. Make sure that the other person listens to you without interrupting, questioning, or judging. If the other person starts to interrupt, you can say something like, “Please let me finish what I’m saying, and then you can have a turn”.
Problem: People are blaming others.
How to handle it: Take responsibility for your part in the conflict (step #4 tells you how).
Step #4: Ask yourself what role you played. Instead of worrying about who’s to “blame”, figure out how each person contributed to the conflict. Think about the other person’s point of view, and ask him/her to consider yours. To ensure that all involved take responsibility for contributing to the conflict, have each person answer this question out loud: what could I have done differently?
You might want to invite someone else to mediate the discussion, or help it go more smoothly and peacefully. This person has to be trustworthy, impartial, and fair (perhaps a counsellor, an adult friend, or a peer mediator at school). It never helps if the outside person starts taking sides or express his/her own viewpoint: a conflict is complex enough without another person jumping in!
Problem: You’re sure the same conflict will occur again.
How to handle it: Agree to work at keeping the peace (step # tells you how).
Step #5: Brainstorm peace-keeping solutions. What compromises have been made? Does everyone feel comfortable with the way the conflict has been resolved? How do you plan to handle this problem if it comes up again? Keep talking and take turns offering ideas for handling future conflicts. Have each person answer this question out loud: “What could I do the next time something like this comes up?” Be as honest as possible. If you like, write down these ideas and make sure everyone gets a copy.
It takes two (or more) people to make and break a relationship – and also to patch things up. To resolve a conflict, everyone involved needs to cooperate. If you can’t get this cooperation no matter how hard you try, the best you can do is to take responsibility for your part in the conflict, apologize, forgive yourself, and move on. Use what you’ve learned from the situation to build healthier relationships in the future.
Taken from: "Can You Relate" by Annie Fox
ISBN: 157542066X
